The Realization

I have always thought of myself as asexual and aromantic. I don’t feel any urge to get close to anyone. Many people describe me as a reserved person. Beginning as a young child, I thought there must be something wrong with me, because I never felt a strong or emotional connection towards other people. I often questioned myself as to why I didn’t have any feelings or strong emotions of love for others as described by our society. At the age of 32, I have finally come to the realization as to why. The why is my heart is closed off.

My closed off heart is connected to a very deep past life memory for me. I never realized that being in New Orleans would trigger this past life energy. Subconsciously, the energy started to affect me when I visited an old historic plantation 20 or so miles from New Orleans. When the tour guide was telling stories about how the ladies of the house lived, I suddenly felt suffocated and lonely. Even though I was feeling the way I did, I didn’t immediately explore further as to why. A month later or so, I was mysteriously led to a YouTube video on lesbians. I watched the video, and later that night, I had a dream about having a romantic relationship with a woman. The feeling was so strong, and I it scared me somewhat. A couple days later, I cried and told my mom that I know why I have never cared or had the urge to have a relationship with a man, I am attracted to women.

With this realization of my attraction, a past life was then shown to me. I was the wife of a plantation owner. I was forced to marry young in that past life to further my family’s holdings, and I didn’t love my arranged husband. What no one knew was that I was deeply in love and in a clandestine romantic relationship with a female slave on our plantation who attended me. Unfortunately, my secret relationship was discovered, and my husband in that past life was very angry towards me. In one vivid scene, I could see myself being choked and raped by him as he unleashed all his anger on me physically. To make matters even worse, I became pregnant, and subsequently was locked away, and not allowed any contact with the outside world. I desperately tried to find out what happened to my female lover, but no one was allowed to tell me anything. I was so lonely, and my heart was broken. Hence, I felt suffocated and lonely. The trauma of my situation caused me to have a stillbirth, and my last ray of hope died with the child. This caused my health to deteriorate as I had no will to live. With my broken heart, and not knowing what happened to my love, I made a vow to God, that I would never allow myself to feel this kind of agony again, and the deep pain and sorrow I felt closed off my heart. As I was releasing this past life, out of nowhere, a red mark appeared on my neck, it looked as though someone had choked me. That was an indication to me that what I was feeling about the past life was correct.

With the vow of closing my heart, I now understand why I am so closed off concerning the thought of having romantic feelings towards others. It also cleared for me why I’ve always dreamt about being abused by men who wanted my love, but I was never able to give or receive love. It became a vicious life cycle for me as I refused love to anyone. In many of my past lives, I allowed myself to be abused rather than risk loving someone and being hurt again. Now I understand why as a teenager, when my classmates asked me if I wanted a boyfriend, my immediate reaction was always NO. With my heart closed off, I also blocked myself from my sexuality and also now realized why I was always attracted to women. I never told anyone, but as a teenager I had searched for female nudes, and I would kiss those nude pictures. Unwilling to experience the heart break of that past life again, my subconscious-self stopped me from exploring any type of relationship, especially with women.

Since late August, I have been releasing and clearing myself of this past life. I really had to forgive myself, especially for the vow that I had made. I am now slowly opening myself up. I have never written a newsletter for the website, because I didn’t want to share myself with others; I don’t want to feel vulnerable. With 2018 coming to an end, I want to start anew for 2019. So, without fear, I am proud to say that I am a lesbian. With my healing on opening my heart, I hope in 2019 I am able to step outside my comfort zone and have new experiences. Writing this newsletter and sharing my story is my first step towards my new experience. I wish everyone a Happy New Year! Please also give me encouragement and share experiences with me to help me grow.

Love to all,