As a soul, we are the sum total of past, present and future. Whatever we have chosen to deal with and to learn from in this incarnation is only a small portion adding to our soul and soul evolution. What we know about ourselves in this incarnation only represents a small part of who we truly are. As such, only through dig deep within to explore what resides in our deep subconscious, then only then can we find out who we truly are. We maybe a very kind and beautiful person in this incarnation, but we might be a tyrant, a dictator or a ruthless person in the past incarnations. Finding out what resides within will enable us to learn about ourselves deeply and intimately, to forgive, to let go of whatever we have hold onto in our deep subconscious soul memory, to make change and to eventually accept and love ourselves totally and unconditionally. Then, only then can we truly move forward to higher consciousness and higher vibration. Our journey in the external world is only a playground or outlet of our journey within. This is what I have learned and been experiencing under the guidance of Margaret/Maitreya.
Recently, I had a big revelation about why Maitreya specifically told me in the early part of 2006 that I am here to learn to be softer and gentler in this incarnation. When Maitreya said it to me, I listened to what he said, but I was unable to fully comprehend it as I tried to understand it. I asked myself, “What did the master mean?” because I considered myself a kind and gentle person at that moment of time. It is true that I have worked very hard in this life. Every achievement and everything I attained was all from my own effort through discipline, hard work, patience and perseverance. I kept my head down, didn’t argue or compete with anyone, and I just focused on creating my own future and life. I always backed away whenever there was a confrontation, competition, rivalry or argument. Thus, I really considered myself as a kind person. However, I did take what Maitreya said to me seriously even though I did not really understand it at that time, and I truly believed that he was in my life to help me evolve to the soul I am meant to be in this incarnation. His words have stayed in my heart to inspire me to remember this main life lesson for me in this incarnation.
A while ago, Alan and I were watching a movie called, “Roman J. Israel, Esq.”, played by Denzel Washington. This film is about a driven, idealistic defense attorney, who finds himself in a tumultuous series of events that lead to a crisis and the necessity for extreme action. When I watched him trapped in his own idealistic bubble while trying to reform the legal system, I became very angry towards him. I shouted out to the television “He is his own enemy. How will he be able to reform the system when his own life is a mess and when he cannot walk his talk.” Alan pointed out that I was angry and asked me to calm down. Although I shut up and didn’t say another word about the film, I was still very upset for no apparent reason. However, as the film continued, the man whom Denzel Washington plays went through his own transformation on his terms and in his own way, and he finally came out of his bubble. The ending was very positive and metaphysical.
To be honest, I was stunned by my fully charged emotional reaction. I could not understand why I behaved this way, especially when I knew and kept telling myself that it was not real, but just an illusion. At the end of the movie, I asked myself why I was so angry and so pissed off because I considered the actions of the lawyer who was played by Denel Washington as stupid? What did I need to learn from him? I asked myself these questions because I remembered Maitreya’s teaching that every thought, word and emotion we have has to come from somewhere, it is not from nowhere but somewhere, and it often resides in our deep subconscious soul memory. We do not know that it has been there for a long time until one day something or someone triggers it and brings it to our consciousness. As usual, I asked the questions, and I was given the answers and I had an AHA moment. I was able to see clearly that I had been a very emotionally intensified, self-righteous, rigid, and unkind person. I did not have compassion, understanding, tolerance or respect to those whom I considered weak, stupid, and struggling with themselves and their lives.
As I became aware of the real issue behind my angry reaction to the movie, I had a glimpse at understanding what Maitreya said to me about learning to be kinder and softer. This energy was first created in an incarnation when I was a tyrant and I loved power, control and dominance. I discovered it through two sessions of past life regression with two powerful healers during the time I took Margaret and Maitreya’s Master of Metaphysical Advance Course and Brotherhood Course in 2003 and 2004. Late in 2004, in one of my direct chats with Maitreya, I asked him what lessons I needed to deal with in order for me to raise my vibration. He told me that I needed to work on my issues of being to demanding and controlling and that I needed to focus on becoming softer and gentler. He also told me about the life where it originated, “You were originally in your early incarnations, a very loving and understanding person, very spiritual. However, you allowed other people to control and hurt you because you had fear. Finally, in one incarnation, you chose to be a little stronger. But, you became too strong in a way, and this set up a patterning you found hard to let go of. You liked having power, and control. However, when you returned to spirit, you hated your actions. This went on life after life, until you finally realized you needed the help of the Masters and I came to help you. This is the end of the story.” He also told me that I have been very dogmatic and demanding in many incarnations and I need to deal with the issues of being demanding and a dominating masculine energy.
Since then I have been working on these issues carefully, but I was not aware of these issues also relating to my unkindness, righteousness, lack of understanding, lack of consideration and lack of compassion. This deep energy has its deep root in many facets and multi-layers. It has been dictating my thoughts, emotional reactions and subtly manipulatively my behavior till it was finally brought to my awareness through the movie. I am now not only able to see this deep root energy, but also understand why I have chosen to learn to be kind and softer as my major life lesson in this incarnation. I told myself that now is the time to make radical change. Me, and only me, can change this pattern of myself. It starts changing from within.
The following morning, I did a meditation to connect to the feminine side of my being. In my inner temple, I called upon my Higher Self, requesting to restore my feminine energy and let it reside in my heart and flow in my body, mind and soul. In this process, I saw a beautiful, pure and innocent girl appear. She was happy and free. This process created a huge healing crisis for me and I couldn’t help crying, crying and crying with joy and gratitude.