I can’t believe that we are now entering 2016! Where did the year of 2015 go? The Photon Energy is really speeding up time to help all of us make changes along with raising the vibration of the Earth Plane.
As we enter 2016, I ask myself what I wish to do with my life and myself. There is not any doubt in my heart that I wish to continually work with Spirit as a clear channel in the service of helping souls who are in need. I also know that in order for this to happen, first and foremost, I must face my fears and learn my life lessons to raise my vibration to the level that Spirit can work through me.
One of my biggest lessons I have chosen to learn is to become softer. I remember in 2006 when I moved to Bellevue, WA to live with Margaret and Alan, Maitreya told me that my main life lesson in this incarnation was to become softer. Nine years later, I can still remember his words clearly as if they are living in my soul.
How to become softer? Where should I start? As always, change starts with recognizing my fear and then facing it. From my natal chart, I can see from my Saturn in Scorpio that my biggest fear is to give up control and to allow myself to be vulnerable. If I can face this fear and learn the life lesson it brings to me, I am on the way to become softer.
Giving up control and becoming vulnerable is a very difficult task for me as I’ve had control issues for many incarnations. The Self-part of me is very insecure and low in self-esteem. A lot of my negative emotions are coming from the belief that I am not good enough and I am unworthy and worthless. Whenever something happened around me or someone had complains, I immediately felt guilt and became fearful that I was responsible for the problems. I could constantly hear my mind saying that I was no good, I was useless, I was stupid, and nobody cared about me because I was a burden to them.
It was worse when it came to communicating with Spirit. My Self was constantly telling me that I was not good enough to work for Spirit and to communicate with them; I was even afraid of asking Spirit for help when I needed it. My Self convinced me that Spirit did not want to work with me because I was unworthy. Therefore, my Self has been determined to keep me self-reliant and in control of my situation. My Self was very uncomfortable with becoming too close to others because it was afraid of others finding out that I lack confidence and have low self-esteem.
As I look back on my life, I could see that my whole life was driven by this belief and I have worked very hard to strive to be successful and to become somebody to prove that I was worthy and I was good enough so that nobody would look down at me. My strong need to be independent and to be in control of my life was so that I could feel safe and secure.
However, in the past 3 years, just before I entered my 2nd Saturn Return, I started to live with Margaret and Alan. I basically had to give up everything, job, money, house, car, material belongings, etc. I had to depend on them for everything. My Self was fighting and moaning, “What the hell I was doing? Why was I putting myself in such a situation?” My Self wanted to run away many times, but there seemed no way out except letting go of my desire to control and facing my vulnerability by fully accepting and embracing what life brought to me moment to moment.
My 2nd Saturn Return in the sign of Scorpio really did its mighty work on me! During the past 3 years, through the letting go process, I have had a lot of positive changed and I have cleared many layers of past life energy. I finally realize that there is no better way to learn giving up control than having to depend on someone else for everything. Through this experience I have had to face my low-self esteem and lack of confidence. I gradually became aware that my tendency for perfection was masking my own insecurity and lack of confidence. I was tested the other day when someone talked about me as “mindless”. If it happened before, I would be very angry and would react negatively. However, this time I was not angry and did not react that way because I knew that I was not “mindless”. I also understood that there was a reason for this. By doing so, I felt more in peace with myself.
2016 is a year for me to continually transform myself by looking deep within me and to work on my hopes, wishes and dreams. I no longer need to hold onto any negative thinking and emotions. I will continually work on opening my heart chakra so that I can become softer, kinder and be at peace with myself. And I will continually change for the betterment of my soul.