Ending Up at the Beginning
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It’s often used in nostalgic terms. For example, when we realise that if we’d only followed our intuition all of our lives, that everything would probably have been much more enjoyable.
But there are many reasons we don’t use our intuition and they’re mostly to do with conditioning. So instead of punishing ourselves for having been blind, it’s more fun to just wake up and start using it. Sounds simple. I’m finding it’s not. After decades of subjugating my intuition to the rules and mores of society in all its formulations, it appears somewhat rusty.
So perhaps a place to look, in order to try and find it, is back when my belief in my own felt experience was being squashed. Of course, none of us can go that far back, since it happens the moment we are born. But I can relate some events in case it helps you to identify some of your own. I believe everyone experiences these things differently, the one defining feature being that they are not considered ‘normal’ and they are squashed rapidly and forcefully by others.
Currently, my first memory of an ‘experience’, was at about four years of age. I recall leaving my bedroom to enter the hallway and as I reached the threshold, the space of the hallway expanded in my vision. The walls and everything else moved outwards and appeared non-physical. I could see space moving. I felt like I was losing my bearings and called to my parents. As I tried to explain, fearfully, what was happening, my father said he’d experienced the same as a child. He said I had a fever (I did not) and took me onto their bed (a rare privilege). His advice was to lie down facing the sheets with my eyes as close to the bed as possible. He said that this would stop the feeling that everything was moving. Eventually, it did. But for a while, it felt like I was standing on the deck of a ship, rolling this way and that. Or, that I was a soap bubble, being carried hither and yon, swirling and gliding in the tumbling currents of the wind. I was fine after that. I was not sick at all. I had just been afraid to experience something that I ‘knew’ was not ‘meant’ to happen. By four years of age, we are already very indoctrinated.
My father was a very conscientious parent and a teacher. He was very practical in everything he did and I know his intentions were always good. However, I believe, that if I’d been held and comforted where I stood and asked to describe my experience, it may have grown into something more beautiful. And I probably would have been free to experience more of them as I grew, rather than squashing my vision. I would not have handled things any differently than my father, had any of my sons experienced the same as small boys, because I would not have known any better at that point.
So this story is not about judgment. It’s about sharing awareness, that I might somewhere, somehow contribute to developmental allowance in some small children.
At the ripe old age of 26 when I had my NDE delivering my second son, I was again squashed by the reactions of nursing staff and my sister when I popped back into my body, saying “It’s GOD. It’s GOD!” I was told that I was hallucinating but the body language of others spoke of fear and rejection. Even though I used the vernacular of the society and the Mater Misericordiae hospital in which I was housed, the experience was unacceptable. Those sorts of things can only happen in the past and in a bible.
So I accepted their verdict and at that point did not transform from atheism into having some faith. I don’t blame any of the people around me. Like me, they only acted on the understandings and experiences they already had. I’ve learned lately, on YouTube, that people all over the world have had these experiences and they’ve been accepted in their communities for a very long time. I just seem to live in a time-warp.
Since my ‘awakening’ two years ago, when I learned to accept my NDE as true, I’ve launched into an exciting discovery of so many spiritual happenings via the blessed internet. And since I’ve accepted myself and my own felt experiences, I’ve begun to have more. They are the best part of living in my opinion. To receive messages and visions from Spirit is glorious. The more you accept them, the more you have. And how much better my previous existence would have seemed had I been allowed to accept them earlier. How much better and more peaceful would all of humanity be, if our experiences were validated lovingly as the miracles they are, rather than being negated fearfully as something to be squashed.
Currently, two of my sons have been negated by society. The medical systems have labelled them. One as bipolar and the other as schizophrenic. Both of them have lived traumatic psycho-emotional lives due to the terrible dysfunction of my marriage and I have to say, our capitalist societies that value exploitation and devalue humanity. Domestic violence only exists in violent societies. So my sons have been very sad for a very long time. And the drugs they’ve taken, by prescription or otherwise, to deal with that sadness in order to keep choosing life, have not helped. I don’t know what else will help in the context of our violent society. However, I think it is criminal to brand people with a label of abnormality and ‘otherness’ because they hear voices in the context of deep sadness.
I believe that what needs to be looked at, is the abnormality and dysfunctionality of the types of societies we seem to have set up globally. They are cause for deep, deep sadness in this world. If you live in a hierarchical pyramid which leads from the top with invasion and destruction, then the top-down nature of such a structure dictates that we are all invaded and destroyed by it. No wonder depression is so pervasive. No wonder the medical system makes people sick, the education system makes people dumb, the political system strips us of true democracy and the banking system makes us poor. On the level of the Higher Self, this is all a bit comical, since We can’t be invaded and destroyed in Spirit, only in this world of separation.
It can seem almost impossible at times to go within and see what is true about our apparent existence in this illusion. And I think that’s because the truth is so veiled by dogma and indoctrination that we can barely see. But I suspect, that if we allow true vision to express itself in the perception of children from the beginning of their journey on this plane, rather than squashing it, then this could very well be our salvation from the darkness.
At 55, it appears very hard for me to stop the train and reverse its route. And I’m very grateful to Spirit for having made their presence known to me sufficiently that I can go on the earthly journey towards Love, Light and Bliss. I feel truly Blessed to know that I am not my body and that I cannot be destroyed. How amazing it is to know that we are eternal and that this world of illusion is just where we come to find our way back to Source, where our true Self resides.
Brothers and Sisters, I speak to You in Oneness, for We are One with Source where We All began.