Experiencing Grief and Healing
I never have experienced grief until Margaret’s passing. When she left us suddenly and unexpectedly in the early morning of July 13th, 2016, we were all in shock. I never thought that she would leave the world and us this way. Alan, Korinne and I were kept sending healing to her lifeless body for about a hour after the doctor and rescue team left the room till Alan brought us back to the reality that she was gone. That day I was in absolute shock, I did not know how to react and what to do. My whole being was numb, I could not think and did not believe that we had lost her. The loss was so traumatic and heart breaking; it did not make any sense to me at all. She magically brought us back from India and helped us to just get settled down in a rented house with everything that we needed. Then she left us without forewarning and just when we were all so looking forward to starting the next chapter of our lives together after returning back in WA. To be honest, I could not imagine our lives without her and how we could go on. All I could do was to try to get through each day by keeping myself busy. I did not want to feel the pain of losing her at all.
However, I could not pretend she was not gone. Soon the reality that she was no longer physically with us kicked in. I became very angry at the fact that she was gone and that my world was now upside down. I had become so used to having her in my daily life. Every morning I was looking forward to having her coming out of her bedroom and hearing her saying, “good morning Jean or where is Jean?” then she would share with us her insight, awareness or experience the night before. She was an incredible storyteller and brilliant teacher. She was so open, transparent and honest with herself and with all of us. I have learned so much from her just by being with her, around her and listening to her talk. When all these routine daily events were ended with her abrupt passing, suddenly, my world of life became meaningless with no purpose and it made no sense. I wished that Maitreya or Spirit could give me a reason to convince me why they allowed this happen to her and to us. I was angry why Spirit let this happen and why Maitreya did not inform us before hand. He did tell Alan a day before she went to emergency clinic that she was in a critical state of raising her vibration and that all she needed was to eat well, have plenty sleep and a lots of love. I was angry with myself that I did not foresee this coming; especially since I spent a good time with her the day before her passing enmeshed in a long and good conversation. She asked me so many questions about her astrological transit regarding to her health and future. I should have seen this coming from her transits and my dream, but I was so conditioned to believe that she was invincible and it was not her time to leave yet. I fooled myself and I failed to see the truth. I was angry by realizing that she was my security blanket and my comfort zone, which I only realized it after her passing.
I thought I would be with her and Maitreya for a very long time because all I wanted to do was to assist her and Maitreya’s work on serving humanity by raising consciousness on the Earth Plane. I was angry that she left us after all we have gone through in the past four years and that she would no longer be with us physically in our human life and our future in the physical world.
I also had deep guilt towards Margaret’s passing. The thought that I might have killed her really terrified me. That morning before her passing, I got up at 2:30 am to do a meditation and to get myself ready for 6 am so that we could go to hospital to see her and to be with her. Before the meditation, a thought came to remind me that I should send healing to Margaret as I promised her. Therefore, I sent healing energy to her that morning, I saw her lung was clear with light blue color but somehow her heart area was clouded. I did not understand it at all at that moment so I stopped the healing and came out of my meditation. When I knew her death time, the first thought I had was abject fear, “Oh NO, I hope that I did not kill her by sending healing energy to her before the time of her passing.” The thought that I might be responsible for her death terrified me big time. I wanted to hide and I wanted to run. I did not have peace at all. I was repeatedly thinking that if I did not send her healing that morning, if I could have foreseen her passing, I would be able to save her life.
My heart was broken and empty; my feelings were void. I missed her so much and I started to feel extremely depressed. I often cried so sadly and deeply when nobody was around. I wished that there were many things I could have done differently or better when she was alive. If I have done so, she would be still here with us. I felt that she went home so sudden and unexpected because I had failed my task of being her assistant and I had not done what I supposed to do. I felt that I was unworthy, not good enough and untrustworthy. I feared that Spirit no longer wanted to work with me because I had disappointed them and I had let them down. My mind was running with guilt, fear and depression endlessly; my inner world was shaking and having no peace. It was not an easy process at all.
I never expected myself to have such deep and intense emotional reaction towards Margaret’s passing, but I did and I could not stop feeling the emotional intensity and complication until one morning Margaret came to help me from the world of Spirit. I woke up very early with great emptiness and depression. I went to the living room and sat on the sofa bed crying desperately alone with my eyes closed. All the sudden I felt Margaret’s presence. She wore a beautiful Cherry red dress. She looked so youthful, vibrant, beautiful and joyful. She addressed all my concerns and answered all my questions. She assured me that it was her time to go and that she was very happy and at peace. She assured me that I did not kill her and my healing energy had actually assisted her transition. She said that she loved me very much and she would continually guide me and work with me from the other side of the veil. Her appearance and assurance uplifted my Spirit and took me out of my darkness and depression. I then was able to see the purpose and the big picture of her passing. I have come to the realization that there is so much I need to learn and to experience with her passing; there is so much I need to do with my own spiritual development, and with carrying her legacy and Maitreya’s teachings to our human world.
From a Google search, I found that what I experienced after Margaret’s passing is a normal reaction and a grief process as a human being living in the physical world. Therefore, allowing myself to experience the grief and accepting it, as a part of normal process of coping with life after losing someone is a very necessary in the healing process. Once I accepted grief as a process of healing and embraced all the emotions and feelings – shock, numb, confusion, anger, guilt, depression, etc. – I experienced during the process are necessary steps along the way. I am on the way to putting all the pieces together and to eventually heal myself. I need to learn to forgive myself and to accept everything that has happened in my life as only being there for my learning to achieve soul growth. The more I embrace it, the better I can come out of it with a better understanding and more compassion. I may then be able to assist others who are going through their loss. Life is a journey of constant learning. I don’t know what life will bring to me to learn and to experience in my future; all I can do is to ride with the flow of life with openness, courage and acceptance. The journey is the reward.