I Did Not Know It Was There until It Erupted
Our earthly spiritual journey began at the moment we were born on the Earth Plane, no matter whether we have consciously chosen to be spiritual or not, and it will continue to our last breath on the Earth Plane. The only difference between being consciously spiritual and not spiritual is the awareness of soul growth through learning the life lessons we’ve chosen to learn through our experiences and relationships in this incarnation. The soul learning and growth never stops and will continue as we climb the spiral stairs to attain higher consciousness. Enlightenment is not a fixed state of being, but a constant growth of expanding our awareness and consciousness through learning our life lessons.
In the past two and half years, I have been in my second Saturn Return. Saturn in Scorpio is one of the heaviest and most intensive signs among the 12 zodiac signs. If I ever considered my life prior to it as an incredible journey, I would say that nothing I experienced before could compare with what I have learned and experienced in the past 2.5 years. It has touched my soul deeply; it has changed me profoundly and it has re-shaped me to be a better soul. At least I can say that although going through this period of experiences is not easy at all, but the outcome is very positive. I am very proud of being able to go through such an experience.
Last year on December 23rd when transit Saturn changed signs from the heavy and intensive Scorpio into the optimistic and lighthearted Sagittarius, I thought that my life would become much easier because I have learned so much and have changed so much. I thought that Saturn in Sagittarius would treat me much kinder and gentler. What wishful thinking! Regardless of what sign transiting Saturn inhabits, he does not stop doing his dutiful job as a teacher, taskmaster and the lord of karma. He has brought me a whole new level of learning and understanding. But I did not know this until I hit the brick wall. It was scary and painful, but it did wake me up!
I am a double Sagittarius (my Sun sign and Ascendant both reside in Sagittarius), in a sense; I am a true Sagittarian (when people’s Sun sign is different from their Ascendant, their characteristics they show to the world often are different from their true inner self). On top of this configuration, I have Mercury in Sagittarius in the 12th house in conjunction with my Ascendant. This astrological configuration indicates that I may have some unfinished business (karma?) related to Sagittarius matters (teaching, higher education, law, religion, spirituality, higher learning, higher consciousness, foreign affairs, long distance travel, etc.), and that I have chosen to deal with it in an open manner that the world can see.
My teacher Maitreya, who is an energy from the world beyond ours, confirmed my feeling. Through his channel, Margaret McElroy, I was told that I was a metaphysical teacher in a past life, but I was very arrogant, considered myself superior and looked down on others, especially women. I was also very rigid and stubborn, self-centered and never learned to listen to others, did not have compassion, understanding or respect for others. As a result, despite the fact that I had so much metaphysical knowledge, people did not want to learn from me. Therefore, I never attained my destiny and was unable to finish what I planned to do in that incarnation. Now I am here to finish the unfinished work and learn to do it correctly.
This information has brought me so much insight and understanding as I study my natal chart (Mercury in Sagittarius (teaching) in the 12th house (karma and unfinished business) is in Square with Mars in Pisces (compassion) in the 3rd house (thinking, speaking and communication)). I am here to correct the past mistakes through all forms of communication with compassion, understanding, respect and kindness.
The Universe has placed me in situations to go out and meet people whom I have come to the realization that I have unfinished karma with. My Self was fighting and resisting. I could feel fear, anxiety and reluctance. There were days I was very down and depressed for no reason at all. I was on the edge of wanting to cry, but could not get it out. I did not understand why I acted and reacted this way. It just simply did not make any sense to me as an optimistic, bold and adventurous Sagittarian.
However, the Universe had its way to shed light on my situation, and it happened sudden and unexpectedly so that my Self had nothing to hold onto.
Two weeks ago, when Alan came back from Belgium, I went to the Bart Station to pick him up. I went to the same station where I dropped him two weeks ago when he left for Belgium. We all thought that station was the Walnut Creek Bart station.
I went there 10 minutes early, found a parking spot where he could easily see me when he came out of the station. Everything went so smoothly and we were all so looking forward to having him back home.
When the Bart arrived at the scheduled time, I did not see him come out. I waited for a few more minutes in case he might come out later, and I did not want him to feel rushed. A few more minutes passed, I still did not see him. I sent a text to him that I was outside the station waiting for him. He texted me back that he arrived about 10 minutes ago, but he can not find me at the station. I texted him my location, then walked around the whole station to look for him. He did the same thing. Of course, we were not able to find each other. By then I questioned him if he got off at the right station. But he confirmed that he was at the Walnut Creek Bart Station. After we went through all this, it suddenly dawned on me that the station where I was at might not be the Walnut Creek station. So I went to ask the information desk. A man who worked there told me that I was at the Pleasant Hill Bart station (located in Walnut Creek!). It was such a shock and surprise when I heard it because we all thought that this station was the Walnut Creek Bart Station and we were all wrong! I had dropped Alan off at this very station when he left!
I immediately went into panic attack without warning. I did not know how to drive to the “Real” Walnut Creek Bart station. I asked the attendant for the address, but he did not have it, he was only able to give me oral directions with the assumption that I could understand and remember! I did a Google search on my iPhone; it did not show the address. I searched it on the GPS; it also did not come up. Finally, I had to call Korinne for the address. She gave it to me, but no matter how hard I tried, I was just not able to put the address in the GPS. By then I was in an uncontrollable panic attack, my whole body was shaking and rumbling. I broke down crying from the depth of my soul with words popping out of my mouth, ” I am stupid, I am an idiot, I am a failure, I am incompetent, I can not do anything right, I can not accomplish anything… blah, blah, blah.” I cried and had nonstop self-chatter with all the self-defeating words. I wanted to quit, to run away, and to die. I was totally paralyzed and did not want to go on with life any more. I was in such a state of shock for almost an hour. Finally, Korinne was able to guide me through her cell phone from home. With her assistance I was able to navigate the heavy traffic since it was right in the middle of peak rush hour traffic. It was dark outside and the road was crowded. I made a few wrong turns and I was still crying and shaking. However, I was able to drive all the way from the Pleasant Hill Bart station to the Walnut Creek Bart station without having a car accident as if there was a force protecting me and carrying me through. By the time I arrived at the Walnut Creek Bart Station, I had finally calmed down and was back to normal as if nothing had happened.
As I looked back, I could not believe what I went through. I was still in shock and utterly surprised by the depth of this intensive emotional reaction that paralyzed me during this incident. I wondered where my uncontrollable panic attack and abject fear came from? I have experienced many crises in my life, but none ever caused the emotional breakdown that I experienced this time! It was pure abject fear and a feeling of a failure and defeat, which I did not know was trapped inside me until it erupted that day.
This experience brought home to me how real and powerful my fear is. Even today, I can recall all my emotions and the negative words that spewed out of my mouth. I knew they had to come from my past life or past lives where I had experienced deep and intense fear of failure and rejection. This was just trapped energy that I had never released. I did not know of its existence before, because it was buried so deep and I was not ready to look at it.
As I have raised my vibration to the level where I can face it, the planet Saturn showed it to me in such an unexpected manner. It is now so close to the surface and ready to come out and be dealt with. I must be ready to face it. Until I do, I will remain its prisoner and be restrained by this past life energy.
A few days later, Maitreya told me that what I experienced at the Bart station was only a small portion of my fear. There is still a lot in my subconscious waiting to come out and be dealt with. Therefore, facing my fear and overcoming it is one of my major life lessons. This is what Saturn is going to be teaching me as it resides in Sagittarius for the next 2.5 years. Avoiding, running away and allowing this past life energy to maintain control of me is no longer an option. I must have the courage and strength to deal with it, then and only then, can I break its control and set myself free. I know that when Saturn leaves the sign of Sagittarius, I will be much further along on the evolution of my soul growth that I chose in this incarnation.
I am indeed very fortunate and blessed because I was able to experience what I have experienced; I always have Maitreya’s guidance through Margaret and Alan. Their guidance and help has always inspired me enormously to keep on my life journey. I am eternally grateful!!!