My Journey of Fighting My Fear of Failure
In the past few years I have often dreamt that I was unable to jump down to the ground a few feet below from where I stood, or climb a steep mountain, or walk a narrow path along a cliff without falling helplessly into the abyss, or simply ride a bike down a hill. I always woke up with fear or in a state of being scared. In the dreams I was so afraid of losing control or being hurt that I just stopped there, so paralyzed that I could not move. To make it worse, right after I woke up, I immediately felt so guilty for not being able to face it and jump, or walk on the narrow cliff road, or climb the steep mountain, or to ride the bike down the hill. Maitreya told me about my fear in 2015 when my abject fear suddenly erupted at the BART station in Pleasant Hill, CA. He said to me that on a very deep subconscious level, there was a part of me that did not want to move forward to my destiny path as a metaphysical teacher, reader and healer, because of my fear of ridicule and failure. He said there was also a part of me that did not want to leave Margaret. He pointed out that the deep abject fear was getting close to the surface, and the release at the BART station was only a very small portion, there would much more to come. I really wanted to move forward, but I did not know how. I felt so trapped and stuck as if there was no way out.
Since Margaret’s passing, I really have had a very difficult time and I have felt lost. I want to carry on Margaret’s legacy and Maitreya’s message, but the door always seems to be closed, it is as if no one wants to know us or to do anything with us. My Self has been immersed in abject fear, and it made me feel as if I was cut off and abandoned by Spirit. I hear my Self constantly telling me that I am not good enough, I did not do what I supposed to do with Margaret and Maitreya, so they no longer wanted to work with me; that they have left me, and I am a failure!
It was in those few months that I went through a deep and huge healing crisis. I had to look deep within me at all the hidden traits, conditioning, fears, self-doubt, insecurity and lack of confidence, and I had to confront them, one by one with perseverance and determination. Then it came to December 2016, three beautiful, powerful and dear friends of mine whom are also Margaret/Maitreya’s graduates gave me the message from Spirit that it was time for me to start my own Spiritual work. First thing I needed to do in order to face my fear of failure was to have my own website. Create my own website? My Self had a field day! I immediately felt my fear rising up from the deepest corners of my subconscious. My Self came up with many reasons so I could argue with my friends in hope of convincing them that I should not have my own website. Luckily, my Higher Self was able to make me realize that I was actually convincing myself not to face my fear! Fortunately, all my friends did not take my Self’s bait. They did not argue with me, but simply delivered the message to me and then left me to make my own choice and decision.
After a very challenging battle with my Self, I finally decided to take the suggestion of my friends and make my own website. I planned to get it done and to be live on Internet by the end of January or early February. However, my Self tried all it could to sabotage the process – I did not have any idea how to put the website together, I was unable to think, it was as if my brain was frozen, I couldn’t plan, I had no inspiration, no intuition and no ideas at all. My Self found all the possible excuses to stop or delay the process. I can’t imagine how frustrated Margaret/Maitreya and those who worked with me from the world of Spirit might be!
I know intuitively that the Universe closed all possible doors that my Self could use to escape to push me into the only door available to me – focusing on creating and building my own website, so that I would move forward to my destiny. Luckily, I not only had the help from Spirit, but also had those who are very close to me – Korinne, Ratna and Alan – and their selfless assistance and support. Korinne spent all her time figuring out how to make the website simple, presentable and functional; Ratna, with his team helped set up the web theme, email and SSL, and Alan edited all my write-up for my website. Because of the time, effort and energy they spent on helping me build my website, my website www.jeanluo.com was officially published online on February 5th a day before Jupiter; the planet of growth and expansion went into retrograde motion. Their help added the power and strength for me to fight my fear and Self sabotage and enabled me to move one step forward toward my destiny path! I am truly and deeply grateful for all their help and support!
The night after my own website went live to the public, I had another dream. In that dream, I was walking towards a cliff and I had to jump in order to land on the road that I needed to take. Surprisingly, I had no hesitation or fear to jump down the cliff and I landed on the ground safely and easily. After I got up the following morning, I remembered this dream and realized that I was able to jump and had no fear in the dream! I was so amazed by this dream and the realization that it was my fear of public ridicule and failure that has held me in my own self-confinement and imprisonment.
As my own website is live, my energy has shifted positively and I am now able to jump without fear. However, having created my own website is only the first step to face my deep fear and to move forward. Fighting my fear of failure is an on-going battle between my Self and my Higher Self. I have to keep fighting it along with facing my low self-esteem, lack of confidence and insecurity issues, and I need to be aware of my Self’s sabotage, and have the courage to continually jump, climb, walk or crawl on the narrow cliff road and embrace what life brings to me. I just need to have the trust and determination to take one step at a time and move forward to my truth destiny path! I can do it and I will make it!
Since my website jeanluo.com went live online, and my new picture was updated on FB, I have received so many positive responses and feedback. A dear friend of mine wrote to me as she looked at the new picture of me and said, “Your Energy is really beautiful. Although we go through shit and see ourselves ugly, others just see the more emanating light. Your Energy looks calm and peaceful. You look so much more centered and wise.” I also feel the change in me. I will use one of Maitreya’s quotes to finish my writing here, “Face your fear – let go of it and walk through it – and then see how much your life will change.” Maitreya