I had a tough realization recently. I can’t remember exactly how it happened, though the moon was in Aries (as is my natal moon) and I have been noticing this seems to trigger emotional situations for me. Also it was just before my menstrual cycle, though I didn’t realise this and this can sometimes create emotional situations too. I was feeling angry and also noticing negative qualities in myself and was being hard on myself about them. I started writing on a pad of paper and I quickly realised how angry I was at myself and how much I hated myself. Just writing that I hated myself made me cry – it was hard seeing it written down and I knew it was the truth. I wrote pages about how I hated myself and why. I couldn’t write about loving myself because it felt like a lie. I just wrote and wrote and cried my eyes out. It was the first time I had felt the depth of my self-hatred.
At the time I was writing I couldn’t see the bigger picture and maybe I just needed to acknowledge the hatred. I felt awful and went to sleep, though my cat was looking after me. When I woke I didn’t feel much better and I had to go to work hoping no one would notice the bags under my eyes from crying (Hate that!). I felt quite negative all day and still felt the self-hatred. I realised the enormity of the task in front of me of releasing this self-hatred and teaching myself to love myself and I felt a bit depressed.
I felt hopeless and just wanted to go into the garden and eat worms (this is an English expression I think) and give up. But as I have learnt from past experience, there really is no ‘out’. I knew from bitter experience I would have to get my gloves on and come out fighting again. I went for a walk and prayed to God to help me forgive myself, release my self-hatred and learn to love myself. I was beginning to realise that I was angry with myself for some reason and was unable to forgive myself. I realised I was not able to say affirmations about loving myself, but I was able to start forgiving myself.
Today has been quite interesting and I have been treating myself very gently. I see how I have impossibly high expectations of myself, which I am unable to live up to. I have been seeing how I am hard on myself when I experience a thought, which I don’t approve of, and this leads to self-hatred. Today I noticed I was hard on myself for not feeling happy for someone. So I stopped and instead said to myself, “Sharon, I forgive you. I don’t know why you are not happy for them, but there is a good reason for it and I forgive you.” The self-hatred in that instance dissipated. Then I noticed I wanted the approval of someone at work and started to be hard on myself. Again I stopped myself and said to myself, “You only want their approval because you lack self esteem yourself. One day you will approve of yourself a lot. I forgive you.” So I have been doing this throughout the day and it feels very good. Being gentle with myself is new to me and I like it. I hope gradually I will chip away at the self-hatred. My higher self asked me, “Do you see anyone else as all bad?” and I realized I don’t, so I can’t be all bad either!