I used to be very serious. I lived my life for survival as I felt life was too hard to live and everything I desired I had to make double the effort to achieve it. I had to try everything at least twice to be successful. I did not know why I was so unfortunate and why I had to endure struggles and failures to achieve anything. No matter how hard I tried to be liked by others, I could not feel any closeness or trust with others and I did not have any friends. I lived a very lonely life, yet I was so afraid of being alone. I was fine during the week because I was working and around my colleagues. Even though we might not have much to talk about, at least I had people around. It was usually very hard on me on the weekends, especially after I came to the US. With the exception of my daughter, I did not have any relatives here. This was one of the main reasons that I was so involved in the activities of a Chinese Church I attended. Whenever I was alone, I felt so lonely and empty. I often called my church friends to make conversation with them even though there was not much to talk about. In this way I would feel useful and connected.
I struggled to understand why life was so hard and why people did not care about me. For me, there was no joy and happiness, just struggles and hardship. I was not able to appreciate what I had in my life because my hard work and struggles to attain anything masked me seeing how much I really had. I complained that life was unfair and life did not do me any favors. I learned that life would not hand over to me something I did not pay the price for. If I wanted to have my share, I had to work very hard to get it. So my view about life was very negative, passive and damaging, especially in the area of human love and relationships. I found it just plain hard because of all these so called, “negative experiences” due to my lack of understanding about the cause and reason behind them. I was very serious and emotions controlled me. I tightly controlled everything in my life in fear that I would not survive if I didn’t control it,
I have come to understand that everything that has happened in my life was for a reason and a purpose. But how I perceive it or take action upon it is totally up to me. It is my lesson, my karma, my issue and my choice. I alone have full responsibility for it!
Looking back at my life through my own natal chart has allowed me to understand that my own natal chart is a roadmap of my life; it provides the guideline and reference points for my life journey on the earth plane. But how the roadmap plays out totally depends on my own free will and the choices I make. I can choose the hard road (at times it seems easier as I can blame others rather than look at myself), or I can choose a lower road and be negative and allow my lower self to play the victim for whatever challenging situation life has brought to me.
I can choose an easy road (although it may seem to be harder at times as I have to face fear), a higher road, to look at the challenge that is being presented me as an opportunity to learn from to benefit my soul growth through taking ownership and responsibility. Through the learning process I can build the characteristics of strength, courage, discipline, practicality, patience and perseverance. I can learn forgiveness, letting go, acceptance, tolerance, consideration and respect. I can develop understanding, gratitude, humility, kindness and compassion. I can eventually come to accept myself as a beautiful soul and to love myself unconditionally. Through all my experiences I now know that life has been teaching me to find the meaning and purpose of it, to take charge of my own life and to rise above the challenging situations to a higher consciousness. Once the karma is paid, the lesson is learned and the blocked energy is worked out, my life can be changed positively for the betterment of my soul.
As I began to choose conscious living and allowed myself to see that there are no accidents and fully embraced everything happening for a reason in my life I became more and more aware that people in my life are my teachers and mirrors. Each one of them is showing me something I need to look at deep within and they are here to teach me something valuable that I have chosen. My life is now changing positively, my past heaviness, burdensome feelings and close-mindedness is now gradually being replaced with feelings of openness and letting go. Although I still have many lessons to learn and I still have to go through difficult situations and face many challenges, I do feel lighter and much less serious.
Life is for living and it is meant to be fun, happy and filled with laughter, but only we can make it a reality. Whatever I do, and how I do it, it is totally up to my choices. I cannot blame anyone or anything. I need take full responsibility for myself and for the life I desire to have. I have come to the realization that how I perceive life and how I live my life is a matter of how my mind functions. When I change my thoughts and perceive things positively, my life responds to it positively. I just have to always remind myself that life is a game and an illusion, I do not need to believe what I see as it appears. I must always try to maintain positive thoughts and positive intentions and to pay close attention to my conscious and subconscious mind.