Dreams always fascinate me because they are so intriguing and mysterious. I often receive messages from the world of Spirit in my dreams, often in the early morning just before I wake up. It usually is about my own life journey and spiritual development. For example, while I was dealing with issues relating to my relationships with others, I wondered what I needed to learn from these interactions, or when I felt negative emotion towards someone, I wondered why. I would be shown in my dream that I was angry and unkind towards that person. I saw myself being so headstrong, stubborn and demanding, which allowed me to manipulate or defeat that person. I often woke up stunned with my behavior and I could not believe I had that trait ingrained deep within me. Because of it, I was able to make changes so that I would eventually move away from that behavior. As such, my dreams have become the most direct communication tool with my guardian spirit and my Higher Self.
Since I started to raise my vibration, I have been dealing with physical pain constantly. I can see this from my natal chart where I have Sun in the first house – the house of Self and the physical body, and I also have Capricorn North Node in the first house – indicating that I have chosen this life to heal myself and my physical body by taking full responsibility for myself, my life and my physical body; because in my past lives, I allowed my emotions to flow unchecked. As a result, this emotional energy penetrated into the organs of my body, creating excruciating pain for me in this lifetime. This trapped energy also stopped my soul growth for quite a few incarnations. My predicament of physical pain has enabled me to try all sorts of healing modalities and healing methods. It has taught me to understand healing, the healing process and blessed me with the opportunity to experience first-hand many different healing methods and modalities. This process has also taught me to not take for granted a good and healthy physical body and to focus on not abusing it with emotions. Most importantly, I must take full responsibility for the well-being of my body.
I have found that as I pay close attention to my body through caring and nurturing, the physical organs start to communicate with me through the physical pain I am experiencing. I have become aware that I am being shown the energy blockage and emotions that have caused the pain. It has taken me on a self-healing journey of deep soul searching, practicing forgiveness and letting go, and an ongoing battle with my Lower Self.
From my own self-healing journey, I am more and more convinced that all my physical pain is mainly caused by repressed mental and emotional energy. In order for me to heal my body, I need to release the repressed energy from my body, mind and soul. I have been doing this since 2005, but I was not consciously aware of the “cause and effect” until now, and this healing process is an ongoing focus for me every day. If not for my self-healing, I feel strongly that I could have ended up having cancer and dying from it, just as my brother recently did (this is also shown in my natal chart).
With the start of the 2019 New Year, I experienced a huge healing crisis due to my brother’s passing three days before the January 5th Solar Eclipse at 15 degrees Capricorn. It has brought more awareness to me of the importance of healing my Chiron wound and having my physical body pain free. As I was going through the healing process, I wrote a letter to myself and asked the following questions, “Why do I feel so inferior and unworthy? Why do I not believe in myself? Why can’t I see myself as beautiful, kind, capable, valuable and attractive? Why do I have so much deep self-loathing, self-hatred and believe that I deserve punishment and misfortune? Why does my mind have such abject fear, worry and insecurity about my future when nothing “appears” to be happening?’’ As I asked myself these questions, I was shown that it was all my Self’s doing. However, I had no clue as to how my Self was sabotaging me.
Then, I had a dream during the night after I asked myself the above questions.
In that dream, I was so annoyed by a 5-year old boy because he was naughty to me. I was so angry at him and I started to hate him and fight against him all I could. I finally beat him badly in front of his father, but I didn’t let his father see what I was actually doing to him. And his father in my dream was MY FATHER in my present life! I was so happy that I shut the boy off by making him look bad in front of his father, then I left him. The next scene was that I entered a room. In that room my mother in the dream was my mother in my current incarnation. She was there with a little girl, who was the boy! He somehow became a girl in the same dream. My mother was her mother in the dream! She was combing the little girl’s hair, and she wanted to cut her hair and make her look beautiful because the girl’s hair was messy, and cloths were dirty and crumpled. She used scissors to cut the little girl’s hair short, but the scissors were not sharp, so the cut was not clean, and it left a big portion of hair deep down close to the neck. I went to get a good pair of scissors for my mother to cut the little girl’s leftover untidy hair. In that dream, I was angry, vindictive, unkind and rebellious. I treated that little boy badly with no mercy or compassion. I also did not have any compassion towards that little girl. I thought that she was too girly and silly, so I helped her mother discipline her without any gentleness towards her.
I felt horrible when I woke up from the dream. I just could not believe that I was such a cold blooded and horrible person. How could I treat the children so terribly?! I was deeply distraught and terrified of myself in that dream as I believed that I was such a rude, cruel and unkind person in past incarnations and this energy was still in my deep subconscious!
Then I had a Skype conversation with my dear friend Natalija, who is the channel for the ascended master Lady Nada. I told her about my dream, and she replied to me that I might have beaten myself up too much due to the father and authority issues that reside within me. In other words, the boy and girl I beat in my dream in front of my father and mother were not some other children, rather represented my own inner child! I didn’t beat anyone, but MYSELF! WOW, this was quite a bold and enlightening statement! Although I have always believed in Maitreya’s words that we are our own worst enemy, I have never gotten this close to finally witnessing how my Self has been sabotaging me and been my worst enemy! My Self has made me to believe that I was a terrible person whom I should be ashamed of and feel guilty! In that “AHA” moment, I was able to see so clearly that whenever there was something wrong, I always blamed myself with deep guilt as if I had done something wrong, and I experience this abject fear of being exposed or blamed by others. In order to avoid what I imagined happening, I blamed, accused and beat myself up without knowing it was my Self’s sabotage!
My feelings of being unworthy, not being good enough, low self-esteem, and it always being my fault has been deeply ingrained in my subconscious soul memory and constantly attacks me whenever I am down, tired or something does not go as I planned or expected. The truth is, I have tried to work so hard to change myself to be a good person, but it always seemed to go nowhere. I did not realize this was what my Self has been doing to me until this dream was revealed and Natalija explained it to me! I understand my Self is formidable, cunning, stubborn and manipulative, but I have never imagined my Self beating me up this way.
Looking back, it did make sense because one of the major life lessons I have come to learn in this incarnation is self-acceptance, to be gentle to myself and cherishing myself, regardless of my flaws or supposed past errors. However, my Self knows my weakest spots and how to lock me under its control for survival. My Self knows that I have carried deep guilt, shame, and low self-esteem into this incarnation to deal with. My Self knows that I am often too hard on myself, and that I tend to see criticism and blame where none is intended. As such, my self has been very self-critical, self-judgmental and strict about myself. It has been diligently looking for all the possible negativities to make me feel that way, and hold me in a place of self-blame, guilt and shame. It has trapped me in a self-defeated mindset so that I don’t have the confidence and courage to forge forward to live my life to its full potential in the Higher Self, rather it is trying to hold me back for the sake of its own survival!
No wonder at times I felt trapped, paralyzed and could not go anywhere. I was frustrated but didn’t know why because my Self made me believe that I have not worked hard enough, and that I am being punished for not doing things perfectly! Spirit, or my Higher Self gave me the message in my dream and brought me clarity. I now have new found insight and direction. As always, I need to be aware of the Self, and strive to always forgive myself and love myself with total acceptance and gentleness. As Maitreya said, “Until you can control your Self, it will do all it can not to give in, you will never be able to be your own master, as the Self part of you will keep you enslaved!” -from Maitreya Quotes Apps.
Dreams are one of the most powerful tools that Spirit utilizes to assist us to move forward on our life journey and on our path of spiritual development. In our half-wake and half-asleep state, spirit often communicates with us – giving us messages, answering our questions, revealing our past lives, providing us guidance, and showing us our deep subconscious fears or other ‘negative’ thoughts and emotions, etc. We can benefit greatly if we can pay close attention to our dreams. Write it down immediately right after we wake up when we are still remembering them, then go with our own inner knowing or feeling. We will often know the message or information the dream has provided for us. If not, talking to someone whom we trust, or we know may be able to help us. For me, I am deeply grateful for the guidance and message Spirit gave me through my dreams. I am indeed very blessed!