Realizing My Fear of Authority and Public Humiliation
In the first few years after I started my spiritual path on the metaphysical level, I was enthusiastic and confused at the same time. I wanted to forge forward with full speed as if I would accomplish my development as soon as possible. I focused my attention to the external world. I was very busy working at Maitreya Seattle Healing and Learning Center in Redmond, WA, and I did not have time for myself. Several people had given me messages that I needed to let go of something that was deep within me and was preventing me from moving forward in vibration. However, no matter what others told me, I was still not able to understand what was holding me back. So I decided to ask Maitreya for guidance. Through Margaret, Maitreya told me that it was my issues about my father during the Chinese Cultural Revolution when he was arrested. I had felt so ashamed for being his daughter and I blamed him for causing so much pain and suffering for our family and me. While Margaret/Maitreya were talking to me, I became very emotional. My tears flowed uncontrollably down my cheeks. I was told me that these were the issues that were so deeply buried in my subconscious.
That was the fall of 2007. I then started to write about what I had experienced in the beginning of the Chinese Cultural Revolution. As I allowed myself to connect to the energy, I started the healing. The process was slow and intense. It took me a few years, till 2010, before I was able to forgive my father. I was finally able to let go of the emotions of shame, anger and blaming him. This process allowed me to look at my life with metaphysical understanding. It was through my childhood circumstances and experiences that any unresolved past life issues I carried into this incarnation were re-stimulated. My subconscious predisposition or the psychic imprint of the past were brought to the surface of my subconscious from very deep within me so that I could deal with them, to let go of them, and to finally move forward in vibration. However, I did not know how deep and complex my childhood experiences were and the far-reaching impact on my adult life until now.
A few weeks ago after we came back to India from Australia, out of blue, Margaret told me that Maitreya recommended that I write a book about my life in China. I then started to work on it. I started with my childhood. As I was writing, my memory took me back to my childhood again. With the metaphysical knowledge I have now, I have a much better understanding of my childhood experiences. I was able to see the root and source of many deep ingrained fears and negative thought patterns, behaviors, habits and conditioning. Therefore, I decided to write it slowly, allowing myself introversion and introspection. The irony is that when Margaret delivered Maitreya’s suggestion to me, it was perfectly aligned with my astrological transits at this moment. Right now, I have transit Saturn in Sagittarius just crossed my natal ascendant in my natal first house approaching a conjunction with my natal Sun, and the Solar Return Pluto in Capricorn is sitting in my first house in conjunction with my ascendant. It is the indication that the Universe is assisting me to take this opportunity to look at my life and myself from deep within and to do some inner reconstruction, so that I have the potential to make radical change and to transform myself into the soul I am meant to be.
As I was writing, I slowly began to realize that I have underestimated the impact of the experience I had around my father’s arrest in the early stages of the Chinese Cultural Revolution in the latter part of 1966. It deeply implanted the abject fear of authority, public humiliation and public ridicule in me. This fear became a part of me that subtly controlled the course of my life without me recognizing it at all.
When the Chinese Cultural Revolution began, I was about age of 11 to 12 and I had just entered 4th grade of elementary school. We were ordered to join the movement. Thus, with two classmates, under the supervision of two high school Red Guard students, we were sent to a village about 30 miles away from the city, to participate in the cultural revolution. We stayed there for a month till we were asked to go back the school.
On our way back home, while we were walking on the street, I became aware of a noisy crowded disturbance on the street ahead of us. As I looked, I saw two military trucks were driving through the city streets. A lot of people were standing at both sides of the street to watch the trucks passing through. I was too short so I had to find a higher position in order to see. As I looked up, I was shocked by what I saw. I saw my father was being detained on the back of the first military truck. Both his arms were tied behind his back by rope. Two military soldiers were tightly holding his shoulders and three military soldiers were guarding him from behind. They were all fully armed. He was being forced to wear a paper cap. It was about 1.5 ft high and labeled “ The First counter – revolutionist in our city”. I looked at my father, he was forced to bend at his waist and his head was held back by one of the soldier’s so that everyone could see his face and identify him. His eyes were lifeless; his face was pale and weak. He looked absolutely powerless and hopeless. He was devoid of his usual dignity, pride, power and prestige that his status had afforded him.
I was shocked by what I saw. It was absolutely sudden and unexpected. It was detrimental if one was labeled as counter-revolutionist at that time in our country. It meant that the future of our whole family would be destroyed by it. In that very moment, I felt as if my whole world collapsed in front of me. I just wanted to disappear completely and immediately. I lowered my head and rushed home quietly. When I arrived home, I was in a state of shock by what I saw.
Our home had been raided and was in complete chaos. My mother was not at home. She was ordered to confess my father’s counter-revolutionary crime in public at her place of work. Only my brother, who was 1.5 year younger than me was at home. My other 3 brother and sisters were temporally sent to my grandparents’ home in the countryside. My brother was scared, but was also very angry and defiant with anyone who was laughing at him.
My mother did not come home until midnight. I was still awake in bed. I heard my mother come into the house. As I quietly looked at her, she looked so exhausted and defeated. I did not say anything to her, but pretended that I was sleeping.
The following morning after we got up, my mother did not say anything to us. She silently made a simple breakfast for my brother and me before going to work. I went to a friend’s house so that we could go to the school together. She was also my classmate that accompanied me to the village for our counter revolutionary training. However, her parents were in terror about my father’s arrest. They did not want to have any implications with my father’s case, thus they did not want me to be in their house or have any association with their daughter. They asked me to leave their house immediately. I left their house and walked alone and abandoned to the school.
A group of teen boys who knew me in school started to attack me on the street. While they were throwing small stones at me, they yelled: “ Beat the daughter of counter – revolutionist in our city!” Many adults were standing around and watching them throwing stones at me, spitting saliva on my face, and sticking paper strips with dirty words on them on my back. No one in the crowd stood up to stop these boys. They were all laughing and gloating at me. I was so scared, so ashamed and feeling so helpless. As I was trying to use both my hands to cover my head and face, I wanted to scream and to cry out loudly, but I was too scared to cry, because I knew that crying would bring me even more humiliation and ridicule.
I did not know how long I was there until a high school Red Guard member came to rescue me. He was the neighbor of the friend I had just left. He was also the leader who took us to the village. He stopped those boys’ attack, took me out of the crowd and walked to the school with me. On the way to school, he asked me to tell my principle teacher in our class about what happened to me so that I might be protected by our school. His face was brave and fearless; his strength comforted me, and his words gave me the hope.
It took one’s real courage and strength to be able to do what this young man did for me in that darkest time of my life. But he did it for me – a little helpless girl, without asking anything in return. He did it for the justice he believed in. He was my hero and savior. After that incident, we didn’t meet again until two years later. I heard the news that he was publically executed by firing squad by our government. He was accused of a crime for being a leader of the Red Guard. Many people went to watch his execution on the riverbank, but I did not go. After he was executed, no one, including his family, went to collect his dead body. His body lied on the sand on the riverbank alone for a few days.
His death invoked in me deep sadness and fear. I felt guilty for looking upon him, a counter-revolution criminal, as my hero, but he was the only person who stood up for me and rescued me when I needed it the most. I never told anyone about him. I never mentioned to anyone what he did for me. I just could not understand why the good people were treated badly and their lives sadly ended that way. I buried the fear, sadness and confusion around his death, and pretended I was fine without knowing that the sadness had deeply blocked my heart. The abject fear of authority, of public humiliation and ridicule had penetrated deep into my psyche and was inhibiting me from becoming the soul who I truly am. I did not realize that his death had such a far-reaching and profound impact on me and my life until now.
In June of 2015, I was sitting at the dinning table with Margaret in our home in Concord, CA. We were talking about my life. Out of the blue, I opened up to her about this incident. This was the first time I opened up and honestly told someone whom I could trust without fear of being judged and criticized about this young man, and how sad I was about his death. Just by talking about him created a huge healing crisis within me.
Then a few days later he came to talk to me from the world of Spirit. Through Margaret, he showed me that he was perfectly fine in spirit. He was happy and in total peace with himself. He told me that he had chosen to go through that experience. He also thanked me for remembering him with gratitude. He was very happy and pleased that he had helped me at the most difficult moment of my life.
While I was writing this experience, it created another healing crisis within me. I again mourned his death. I also realized that this experience around my father’s arrest and this young man’s death was the source of my deep fear of authority, public humiliation and ridicule, and standing up and speaking my truth. It is connected to my Chiron in Capricorn in the 2nd house in my natal chart.
Reliving these experiences through my writing created a huge healing crisis and I could not stop crying. I cried from the depth of my soul. While I was crying, I felt all the acute pain in my chest around my heart area and the top of my back around my heart along with acute pain in my solar plexus, spleen and kidney. I knew that the energy coming from my solar plexus was my abject fear of public ridicule and humiliation, fear of government and authority. The pain in my heart area was the releasing of the deep sadness and broken heart surrounding his death. I am now able to see and understand the whole experience around this childhood incident and its’ far reaching impact on me. This realization has enabled me to go through the process of healing the deep wound so that I can finally let it go. Once I have done so, it will no longer have any power to hold me back from becoming a better soul.
I am very grateful for having this unique opportunity to live in India, isolated from busy life and from others so that I can allow spirit to work on me and help me release and clear all the trapped energy, and to get me ready for working with Spirit fully to assist humanity to change. I must take this opportunity and not let my Self hold me back any longer.
Right after I had this realization, my daily Osho card reading was “BREAKTHROUGH”. I knew that the Universe was validating my inner work. I am on the right track!