Just like one of the articles Maitreya/Margaret wrote for Speaking Tree “Spirituality is not what you think it is,” I have to agree with it 100%. The spiritual path is not what I thought it was 10 years ago before I started my study. Honestly, I thought at that time that once I had the study with Maitreya/Margaret, with all the knowledge I learned from them, my life would be blissful and wonderful, and my life would become much easier. Indeed, in the beginning I experienced the most beautiful spiritual energy during the course. I was on a spiritual high; all the questions I had searched for a very long time were answered. I was so happy and joyful with enthusiasm. I thought that my life would stay that way. However, it was not the case. As I was going through the change of levels of consciousness, (Please read Margaret’s book “Photon Energy” to find the details about the levels of consciousness.) my life has been in constant change and transformation the past 10 years. I became more aware that the spiritual path is not what I had in my mind. In my truth, it is definitely not about following any religious practice or certain rules to live my life by, or being holy or sitting in meditation, etc. It is really about finding who I really and truly am. But this is not an easy task. Who I am is not what other people think. It is not even who I think I am on the surface, but in actuality, I am the sum total of all my past incarnations. All my soul history is stored in my soul memory. It is also shown in my astrological natal chart.
Since I started my spiritual path 10 years ago, my spiritual development has been focused on repaying my karma, releasing past life energy, and learning my main life lessons. This has caused me to look deep within my subconscious, and to let go of all that has been buried there for many incarnations. However, it is this deep subconscious part of me that my SELF holds onto dearly, because my SELF is terrified to lose control. My Self has used its almighty power to stop me from accessing what has been buried in my deep subconscious – dark secrets, deep painful memories, insecurity, fear, guilt, shame and all other negative emotions. It has created such strong resistance in me trying to stop me from moving forward in my spiritual development. It has made my life more difficult and created a lot of challenges for me. There have been many times when I was very depressed and down, I just wanted to run away to a place where no one knows me and I would be totally alone to die. Whenever I had such images, it would invoke intensive emotion in me, tears filled my eyes, I felt deep sadness and loneliness, the SELF had me acting like a victim to blame others and the world around me – poor me, why me, I felt sorrow for myself.
In my natal chart, I have Saturn in Scorpio in the 11th house, the house of group and friends, hopes and dreams. Saturn is where you have to face your deepest fear. My SELF has deep fear being around allowing people to get close to me. It always makes me feel like an outsider, I feel very lonely and like I belong nowhere. I have been running away from anyone or anything that could make me open up and share my life. My SELF is constantly fighting to keep me in its comfort zone. My SELF has created this illusion of not belonging and being vulnerable if I allow someone to get close to me. In actuality there is no one and nothing but the SELF and its own illusion. I was the prisoner of my own mind and I was my own worst enemy!
I am now in my second Saturn Return (age 58-60), which means whatever deep fear I have, the universe will bring it out for me to deal with in order for me to attain spiritual growth. My SELF knows this and does not like it at all. It has fought with all its might to prevent or delay my big learning. One of the issues I need to deal with is relationships. In this life, I am a very independent woman. I want to do everything by myself and become self-sufficient. I do not like to ask for help or rely on anyone, especially from men. There is nothing wrong with being independent; it is the deep fear of losing control, and the pride within me that has created the situation of me wanting to do things by myself. Three weeks ago I fell in the shower, it caused two fractures in my right wrist, which has forced me to slow down. It has forced me to allow the two beautiful men, Alan and Ratna, to assist me to cook, wash dishes and do other things. I had to let go of the need to do everything by myself and be patience with myself and others. I also had to sit down to look within myself. This process has brought so much deep emotion to the surface and also allowed me to realize my deep fear and my real issue with men. It has also been a powerful healing process for me. I had the opportunity to experience how beautiful, wonderful, and trustworthy men can be in my life, if only I open my heart and allow them to help me and be part of my life. It has allowed me to see that when I have fought men in the past, I actually was fighting the male part of myself. This has allowed me to see that I am totally responsible for the great difficulties I have created in my relationships, especially with men. This revelation turned the light on inside me and showed me how lucky and blessed I have been, but my SELF has prevented me from seeing it. This experience also showed me that if I did not let my SELF take control in my life, my spiritual path and development would be much easier.
In my truth, my view about my spiritual path is really about freeing my soul from the control of my SELF and allowing my HIGHER SELF to take full charge in my soul evolution. The difficulties and hardships in my spiritual path are due to the resistance of my SELF. Freeing my soul from my SELF and its control has not been an easy task. It is a life long journey. There is no other way to face my challenges, except through battling the SELF-part of me. It is the dark night of the soul and a process of soul purging and transformation. With each day, I strive to put one foot in front of the other to keep going on my spiritual path, never giving up, and eventually, the more I do, the more my HIGHER SELF is able to come in and to take charge of my life. It is not an easy path, but it is a path to free my soul and achieve enlightenment. For me, it is definitely worth the struggle. At the end, it is total peace that passes all understanding! The journey itself is the reward!
I sincerely thank Maitreya/Margaret for their direct guidance and energy, thanks to Alan and Ratna for their friendship and for helping me learn what I need to learn from them, and thank you to all my friends from around the world for sending healing and love to me. I am indeed very blessed and I am very grateful.
by Jean Luo