What Is Jealousy?
I must be honest with myself and admit that I experience jealousy. I knew that I had jealousy many years ago, and I also believed that having jealousy was not a good thing, but I didn’t do anything about it and I allowed it to control me because I didn’t know how to deal with it and I was ashamed that I had it. Therefore, I tried very hard to hide it from others and denied it from myself. Because I was unable to face it, this energy had power over me and made me do silly and stupid things. It even caused me to lose a close friendship and because I have not been able to repair this relationship, I am left with apologizing to this soul through my meditation.
Since I started working on myself metaphysically and spiritually, especially learning from astrology, I realized that I have an astrological configuration that I have chosen to deal with jealousy issues (Saturn in Scorpio in conjunction with Venus in Scorpio in my natal chart). Thus, understanding my jealousy is one of my greatest lessons. Only by committing to a deep and honest journey within myself have I been able to see and reclaim some of the most denied aspects of my being; particularly my emotions. Seeing how my emotions can restrict my learning experiences has now presented me a great opportunity to transform myself and work to become the soul I am meant to be.
I have indeed made a lot of change to strive to be a better soul. I have let go a lot from the past, have cleared a lot of emotional energy, and I have progressed spiritually and vibrationally. However, changing deep ingrained habits and conditioning is never easy. It is difficult letting go of the old and unexpressed energy that has accumulated in our energy field from incarnation to incarnation. It is like peeling a giant onion with thousands of layers, and it is an ongoing process as we go deeper and deeper into the layers. Ironically, as the onion becomes smaller, those inner most layers become harder and harder to clear as the Self part of us attempts to hold us back from moving forward in vibration.
The other day while I was preparing my teaching material for a course Alan and I teach, a prospective student sent me some course material from another teacher and asked me to help her understand if this other course would be better for her. As I read the course description and the date, I realized that what the course was teaching was almost the same as the one Alan and I were teaching. To add fuel to the fire, the course would be in the same location and time that we were doing our course. Suddenly, I found myself comparing what we do with the other teacher and I felt panic and worry. I experienced jealousy with respect to the other course and a fear of ours not being ‘good’ enough. Would students choose their course instead of ours? If they did, does that mean that ours’ is a failure or inferior. As a result, my jealousy through this incident brought forward some of my deepest fears; sense of failure, lack of confidence, low self-esteem. I was taken back at how my insecurity came pouring out of me in full force as if someone was screaming at me, “Look! Can you see us? We are real, and we are here also!” It took me by surprise, and I was stunned! My first reaction was to hide and to run, I found myself fearful and depressed. Then I realized that hiding and running was not going to work and would only make things worse. So, I took a few deep breaths and asked myself why I had jealousy, what is it about and where did it come from? As I asked, an inner knowing appeared: my jealousy was rooted in deep insecurity, low self-esteem and lack of confidence!
It was an Aha moment for me. It enabled me to see clearly that if I have insecurity and I don’t truly believe in myself and trust the Universe, I will have self-esteem issues. I realized I will experience jealousy of anyone or anything that I perceive as “better” or “higher” than myself and I will feel my security and self-esteem threatened, which will make feel discouraged, shamed, depressed and self-defeated! Now, I understand the root cause of my jealousy and in order to deal with it, I must work on my self-worth, self-value and self-esteem. Only by facing my deep insecurity and low self-esteem, can I overcome my jealousy and make peace with myself. Now is the time because the transits of Saturn, Pluto and South Node are all in Capricorn and are approaching a conjunction to my natal Chiron, my deepest wound, in the 2nd house, the house of self-value, worth and security. The Universe is perfect, and it does all it can to assist me to move forward to higher vibration!
As a human being, we inevitably have all sorts of traits that we term as “negative” and jealousy is one of them. At some stage of our life, we will experience jealousy of someone or something. Why do we have jealousy? Is it because others are better than ourselves, or others have something that we desire that we don’t have? Are others luckier than us? All these reasons are just superficial or excuses that the Self part of us will use to convince us to believe we are less, but they are not the cause. The real cause is rooted deep within our being – our insecurity, our disbelieving in our own uniqueness, which prevents us from using our own power to create and to manifest; our low self-esteem prevents us from having confidence and success; our fears of failure and rejection limit our success. Hiding, ignoring and running away are not the solution, be aware of it, face it and deal with it one step at a time, gradually, we will change and eventually, we will be free from it. In this way, we move forward to a higher and higher vibration and consciousness. All be well.