Naughty Natal Report

//Naughty Natal Report

This report makes a good gift or practical joke! It pokes fun at the person and keeps you laughing and often because they are accurate too.  Art Poppe, author of this report, likes to poke fun especially at the sexual side of the person, and the language is rather raw and is designed strictly for adults.

The Naughty Natal Report

Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Margaret McElroy

October 19, 1946

5:31 AM

Nottingham, England

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                 This astrological analysis is based

                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     25 Lib 14

                 Moon    16 Leo 30

                 Mercury 16 Sco 16

                 Venus    1 Sag 00

                 Mars    16 Sco 51

                 Standard time observed

                 GMT: 05:31:00   Time Zone: 0 hours West

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Sun in Libra:

Libra – Key words: Head in the clouds, while falling off a cliff

  “Fly me to the moon” is the motto of this air sign. “If we aren’t going to get married, let me know now, I have a date tomorrow”, says the impatient Libra.

   Libra is the chemical parent of Librium, a tranquilizer which, by the way, is a wonderful way of not caring about anything.

   Librans have a talent for nastiness at times, and can swear so fluently that it frightens everyone, but then again, everyone has their niche in life. Do you need someone unreliable who is not able to keep a secret? Count on a Libra native to spill the beans every time!

   Libra people are very easy to spot, as these are the people who can be looking straight at you, and not hear a word that you say, or care! Try to be kind to them, as they spend so much time in another realm that few of us ever see, that they forget about the mundane things of life, like reality.

   Some cheap advice: Revenge doesn’t belong to Librans, and when they are old enough and mature enough to accept and understand this, they won’t spend hours planning the perfect revenge, as Librans are great at carrying grudges and remembering the slightest slights. Librans must use caution, as sudden headaches can be a burden to them as well, and must drink plenty of water to keep the kidneys operating in tip top order.

   Concentration wise, Libra’s are the type of people who can go upstairs for something, have no idea what they are doing up there in the first place, come back down stairs, and begin again.

   If flirting was a vocation, Libra would easily be a millionaire a hundred times over, as Librans often confuse love and friendship and are often accused of being loose in the caboose in the lovemaking department.

   Librans have a great sense of humor, and everyone, everywhere knows they are in the room by the loud manner in which they laugh.

Moon in Leo:

The Emotions – This is what I really need to be complete.

   “See me? See who I am? Aren’t my new shoes pretty?”, says the Moon in Leo native. Everything is done in the style of the great “showoff” for the Moon in Leo native, including the flowing hair and the need to be appreciated for any efforts they put forth, whether deserved or not.

   Anything will offend people with their Moon in Leo, just walk up to them for no reason and say “What a creep!”, and watch them become unglued. There is a strong need to be an Authority Figure here, even if they wash dishes for a living, for they have a natural attitude which I lovingly call the Napoleonic syndrome, or man holding up his pants. Perhaps Napoleon wasn’t holding up his pants, and if he wasn’t, what was he holding up ? HMMM?

   Money is much more important to Moon in Leo people than they realize, so take a moment and think about it, then accept it. Okay, time is up.

   Moon  in  Leo  natives  have  a  hidden  desire  for  power  which  will  leap  out  when  least  expected  like  a  tornado  headed  for  a  trailer  park,  usually  with  the  same  intensity.

   For  Moon  in  Leo  people  the  pleasure  from  love  making  can  be  derived  as  a  side  effect  from  loyalty  as  well  as  the  physical  manifestation,  or  love  and  devotion  from  others  has  the  same  effect,  which  really  turns  them  on.

   While  on  a  date  with  a  Moon  in  Leo  person,  expect  them  to  jump  up  on  any  stage  and  grab  the  microphone,  even  if  there  is  no  stage,  or  microphone.  You  might  say  Moon  in  Leo  natives  are  just  a  little  bit  insecure  and  need  attention,  or  perhaps  they  are  trying  to  be  fashionable.

   Moon  in  Leo  natives  see  everything  revolving  around  them,  with  them  as  the  center,  just  as  the  sun  is  the  center  of  the  Universe.  I  knew  it  had  to  be  someone’s  fault.

   It  is  extremely  easy  to  spot  the  emotionally  unhappy  Moon  in  Leo  native,  either  they  are  flat  on  their  backs  because  their  back  has  gone  out,  or  they  are  suffering  chest  pains  from  excessive  stress.

   People  with  this  placement  tend  to  dominate  others  with  all  of  the  grace  and  finesse  of  Hagar  the  Horrible  (Cartoon  Character  in  the  funny  papers).

   While  in  the  home  of  a  Moon  in  Leo  person,  expect  to  have  a  tour  guide  take  you  around  to  show  off  all  of  the  artwork  and  other  meaningless  articles  which  are  bound  to  be  strewn  about  waiting  to  adored.  You  might  even  see  the  Moon  in  Leo  native  themselves  strutting  around  as  well,  in  full  fanciful  garb  who  seems  to  fit  into  the  decor,  waiting  for  equal  adoration.

Mercury in Scorpio:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Here is the original two edged sword looking for the chopping block. These people are so secretive, that they don’t even talk to themselves, but Scorpio natives are perceptive of others and know just when other people are vulnerable so they can swoop down and pounce on them.

   Here is another one of those signs that is overcritical of everyone but themselves, the self appointed judge and jury. They should have be policemen, spies, or detectives, peering into everyone’s secret lives like a common criminal.

   Love that is mysterious, behind the scenes and down and dirty, that’s Mercury in Scorpio. Sounds like love making with 007, with the same air of danger connected with it. Come to think love making while being attacked would be perfect for them. They can probably be found in dark alleys picking up stray cats doing unspeakable things just for the intrigue.

   These must have been the original streakers, who ran nude across the campus. Anything bizarre or perverse is fine for them. They should avoid using the concept of running through the streets nude as a tool for sex, because it won’t work. Okay, it might!

   This kind of person is the movie director who invites you up to his office to audition for him. “Sit on my couch my dear, let’s see what develops”.

Venus in Sagittarius:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Venus in Sagittarius are demonstrative and friendly in their affections. They will actually introduce themselves before trying to take you to bed. A formality, its true but nevertheless a nice touch.

   Since these people make great gamblers, you can expect to be seduced on a gaming table while, I might add, there is money riding on a number. Ah!, the fine art of romance and adventure.

   These are the people who go skydiving nude while making love, or on the other hand, you may get a sermon instead. That is the other side of this coin. A nice middle of the road approach might be making love while preaching. Where is Jim Bakker when you need him? He is a perfect example of this principle. He supposedly (gotta give him the benefit of the doubt) screwed the world while preaching at the same time.

Mars in Scorpio:

  Mars defined: “Its get down and dirty time”. Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and unsuspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   These people have all the wisdom and smarts of a person standing in the middle of a field holding a piece of metal during an electrical storm yelling “Hey sailor, want to fool around?” Making love with a Scorpio can mean a literal “fight to the death” which only heightens the excitement. Mars in Scorpio can be equated to making love with a hand grenade.  Mars in Scorpio natives are in total control during sex, with whips, chains or Elizabethan implements, such as the rack, screws, head clamps, stirrups, and assorted surgical gear.

   Romantic involvements with this person can be compared to the first person to offer meat to a famished lion, they thank you as they take your arm off with the meat. You will usually find the female of the species in the men’s room at the local dance club (by accident of course) looking for action, or in the locker room at a sports event giving an interview.

   But how do you know this female Mars in Scorpio person by sight? She is very easy to spot. She awaits you at home at the top of the stairs (clothing optional) yelling ” I love you” as she impales herself down the stairs on top of you while envisioning herself saving you from cannibals. You are so taken by this selfless act of heroism that you vow to love her and only her all day, every day, and in every way imaginable. That’s what she wanted in the first place. It was just a little overstated and long winded by a Mercury in Leo. (The writer of this silliness!)

   Men with Mars in Scorpio handle this a little differently. You would never suspect them until they were actually laying vertically on top of you. At that point the light bulb would go on!

By | 2018-12-18T12:28:13+00:00 December 18th, 2018|Astrology Reports|Comments Off on Naughty Natal Report